Because Our Lawyers Made Us Write This... Again
Contrary to popular belief, we actually know which end of a screwdriver to use. By using our services, you acknowledge that we are qualified professionals who won't accidentally flood your basement while fixing a light switch. We've only done that twice, and honestly, those basements were asking for it.
We cannot perform actual magic, despite what your previous maintenance guy claimed. We cannot make problems disappear with fairy dust or positive thinking. However, we can make them disappear with proper tools, skills, and only occasional swearing. Results may vary based on the building's attitude and cooperation level.
When you call screaming about an "emergency," we will arrive promptly. However, your definition of emergency ("The coffee machine is making weird noises") may differ from ours ("The building is literally on fire"). We reserve the right to prioritize actual emergencies over your caffeine withdrawal symptoms.
Please do not attempt to fix things yourself after watching a 3-minute YouTube video. We charge double rates for fixing things that were "almost working" before you decided to help. Your confidence is admirable, but your electrical skills are terrifying.
Yes, we work in all weather conditions. No, we don't control the weather. Complaining to us about rain while we're fixing your roof will result in mandatory sarcasm at no extra charge. We're already wet and miserable; your commentary isn't helping anyone.
Payment is due upon completion of work, not "when the check arrives" or "after I talk to my accountant's cousin's dog." We accept cash, card, and sincere apologies for past payment delays. We do not accept exposure, promises, or homemade cookies as legal tender.
By scrolling this far, you've already shown more dedication than 90% of our clients. We're impressed. These terms may change whenever we feel like it, but we'll probably forget to tell you. If you have complaints, please submit them to our Department of We Don't Care, located in the same building as our Department of Unicorn Relations.
(Spoiler alert: You don't really have much choice if you want us to fix your stuff)